Anxious, Avoidant, or Secure? Quiet Questions to Ask Yourself

So far, we’ve explored the basic map of attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Now, let’s make this map personal. Take a moment to consider how your own nervous system responds in your closest relationships. Where do you feel tension? Where do you feel at ease?

Think back to a recent interaction with your partner, or someone you’re dating. Perhaps you were making plans for the weekend. Did you feel a sense of calm and anticipation? Or did uncertainty creep in, making you wonder if they really wanted to spend time with you? Maybe you felt a need to control the plans, to ensure they met your expectations. Or perhaps you felt a pull to withdraw, thinking it was easier to make your own plans and avoid potential disappointment altogether.

These reactions aren’t just thoughts or feelings; they’re deeply rooted in your nervous system. The attachment system—that innate proximity-seeking drive—is intimately connected to your body’s stress response. When that system senses ambiguity or threat, your body responds accordingly. Your heart rate might increase, your breathing might become shallow, or your muscles might tense. You might not even consciously register these changes, but they influence your behavior.

Consider the anxious style. When triggered, that person might flood their partner with texts, seeking reassurance: “Are we still on for Saturday? What time should I be ready? Do you want me to come?” This isn’t just neediness; it’s an attempt to regulate a dysregulated nervous system. The reassurance they seek is a way to calm their anxiety and feel safe again.

Now consider the avoidant style. When feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable, someone with this style might create distance, both physically and emotionally. They might become busy with work, spend more time alone, or shut down emotionally. This isn’t necessarily a sign of disinterest; it’s a way to protect themselves from perceived threat. They might say, “I just need some space right now,” or “I’m not really in the mood to talk.”

The secure style, on the other hand, tends to navigate these situations with more ease. They can communicate their needs and feelings clearly, without becoming overly anxious or avoidant. They can also co-regulate with their partner, helping each other to feel safe and secure. If plans change, they might say, “That’s okay, let’s find another time that works,” or “I’m a little disappointed, but I understand.”

Think about a time when you felt particularly close to your partner. What was happening in your body? Were you relaxed and open? Did you feel a sense of connection and trust? Now think about a time when you felt distant or disconnected. What was happening in your body then? Were you tense and guarded? Did you feel a need to protect yourself?

By becoming more aware of these physical sensations, you can start to understand how your attachment style plays out in your daily life. You can begin to recognize the triggers that activate your attachment system and the ways in which you respond. You can also start to identify the patterns—the loops you fall into—that keep you stuck in unproductive cycles. Maybe you notice a pattern of pursuing your partner for reassurance, only to have them withdraw. Or maybe you notice a pattern of creating distance when you feel vulnerable, only to feel lonely and disconnected.

It’s also worth considering how our bodies respond to cues of safety and danger in relationships. Secure connectors often send signals of openness – soft eyes, relaxed posture, engaged listening – that soothe and invite connection. Less secure folks may unconsciously brace or tense, sending signals that others read (again, often unconsciously) as distance or threat.

The good news is that these patterns aren’t fixed. With awareness and effort, you can learn to regulate your nervous system and create more secure connections. You can learn to communicate your needs effectively, without becoming overly anxious or avoidant. You can learn to co-regulate with your partner, creating a safe and supportive relationship. You can also learn to recognize and challenge the negative thoughts and beliefs that fuel your attachment insecurities.

Remember, understanding your attachment style is not about labeling yourself or your partner. It’s about gaining insight into your patterns of behavior and learning how to create more fulfilling relationships. It’s about recognizing that healthy dependency is not a weakness, but a strength. It’s about understanding that seeking support and connection is a natural human need.

The more you understand your body’s signals, the more agency you have in creating secure love.

The Power of Reflection

Take a moment to reflect on your past relationships. Were there recurring themes? Did you often find yourself in similar situations, regardless of who your partner was? Perhaps you consistently felt like you were giving more than you were receiving, or maybe you struggled to open up and be vulnerable. These patterns can offer valuable clues about your attachment style and how it influences your choices.

Consider, too, how conflict typically unfolds for you. Do you tend to become highly emotional and reactive, needing constant reassurance? Or do you shut down, withdraw, and avoid confrontation at all costs? Maybe you find yourself alternating between these two extremes, depending on the situation. Recognizing these tendencies is the first step toward changing them.

It’s not about blaming yourself or your partner for past difficulties. Instead, it’s about understanding the underlying dynamics that contributed to those challenges. It’s about recognizing that you both were likely operating from your own attachment blueprints, often unconsciously recreating familiar patterns from your past.

Rewiring for Security

Fortunately, our brains are remarkably adaptable. Through conscious effort and practice, we can rewire our neural pathways and develop more secure attachment patterns. This doesn’t mean completely erasing our past experiences or transforming into someone we’re not. Rather, it means learning new ways of relating to ourselves and others, ways that are more grounded in safety, trust, and mutual respect.

One powerful tool for rewiring is practicing self-compassion. When you notice yourself falling into old patterns, resist the urge to criticize or judge yourself. Instead, offer yourself the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and that growth takes time.

Another key element is learning to identify and challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself and relationships. For example, if you tend to believe that you’re unworthy of love or that your needs are too much, you’re likely to behave in ways that reinforce those beliefs. By consciously questioning these assumptions and replacing them with more positive and realistic ones, you can begin to shift your attachment style.

Secure Signals

Think about someone you consider to be a secure connector. What qualities do they possess? How do they communicate their needs and boundaries? How do they respond to conflict? Chances are, they exhibit a calm, confident, and compassionate demeanor. They’re able to express their emotions openly and honestly, without becoming overly dramatic or defensive. They’re also able to listen empathetically to others, validating their feelings and perspectives.

These secure behaviors aren’t innate; they’re learned. And you, too, can cultivate these qualities in yourself. Start by paying attention to how secure connectors interact with others. Observe their body language, their tone of voice, and their choice of words. Then, experiment with incorporating these behaviors into your own interactions.

For example, instead of reacting defensively when your partner criticizes you, try taking a deep breath and saying, “I understand that you’re feeling frustrated. Can you help me understand what I did that upset you?” Or, instead of withdrawing when you feel vulnerable, try sharing your feelings with your partner in a calm and open way. Remember, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about making a conscious effort to communicate more effectively and build stronger connections.

The Dependency Paradox

Many people mistakenly believe that being securely attached means being completely independent and self-sufficient. In reality, secure attachment involves a healthy balance of autonomy and interdependence. It’s about recognizing that we all need support and connection, and that seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.

This is what’s known as the “dependency paradox.” The more secure you are in your relationships, the more comfortable you are relying on others for support. And the more support you receive, the more confident and capable you become in pursuing your own goals and dreams. Secure attachment, therefore, fosters both individual growth and relational intimacy.

Think about a time when you felt supported by your partner or a close friend. How did that support impact your ability to cope with a challenging situation? Did it give you the courage to take a risk or pursue a new opportunity? Chances are, that support not only helped you overcome the immediate obstacle but also boosted your overall sense of well-being and self-efficacy.

Beyond Romantic Relationships

While we often focus on attachment in the context of romantic relationships, it’s important to remember that attachment patterns influence all of our relationships, including those with family, friends, and colleagues. The same principles of secure communication, emotional regulation, and mutual support apply across the board.

Consider your relationships with your closest friends. Do you feel comfortable being vulnerable and authentic with them? Do you trust that they will be there for you when you need them? Or do you tend to keep your distance, fearing rejection or judgment? Similarly, think about your relationships with your family members. Are they a source of comfort and support, or do they trigger feelings of anxiety or resentment?

By understanding how your attachment style plays out in these various relationships, you can begin to cultivate more secure connections across your entire social network. You can learn to set healthy boundaries, communicate your needs effectively, and build relationships that are based on mutual respect and understanding.

Safety First

Before we go any further, a quick but crucial note: If you are in a relationship where you feel unsafe, controlled, or abused, the advice in this book is not a substitute for professional help. Your safety is paramount. There are resources available to support you. Please reach out to a domestic violence hotline or a qualified therapist who specializes in abusive relationships. Working on attachment styles is only safe when there is a foundation of respect and safety; it is never a tool to be used in a coercive or violent dynamic.

Where To From Here

Understanding the interplay between your autonomic nervous system and your attachment style is a lifelong journey. There will be times when you feel like you’re making progress and times when you feel like you’re slipping backward. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your successes, no matter how small.

The key is to keep learning, keep growing, and keep practicing secure behaviors.

Think about your work relationships. Do you seek feedback and collaboration comfortably, or do you avoid vulnerability, fearing criticism? Perhaps you notice a pattern of over-committing and then feeling resentful, or maybe you struggle to delegate, fearing others won’t meet your standards. These patterns, too, can be illuminated by understanding your attachment style.

It’s important to remember that attachment styles are not fixed or rigid. You can learn to cultivate more secure behaviors over time, regardless of your past experiences. This involves developing self-awareness, practicing effective communication skills, and building trust in your relationships. It’s about recognizing your patterns and consciously choosing a different path.

Recognizing attachment patterns can help you cultivate more secure connections.